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п»ї<title>Affective ambivalence: when love and hatred coexist in us.</title>
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Affective ambivalence is a complex type of emotion; in it, contradiction and tension dwell. An example of this is certainly when we love and hate someone almost at the same time. To have great affection for a close person, but at the same time experience a certain resentment. To love a friend, but to feel that this relationship hurts us?
Why do we people suffer from this type of conflicting and even adverse feelings on more than one occasion? Is it normal or does it perhaps respond to some kind of imbalance? The answer is simple: we are facing a type of perfectly normal realities and that in turn define by themselves the high complexity of the human being in emotional matters.
This subject, moreover, is of great interest to the scientific community and multiple investigations and studies have been carried out in this regard. Something that in itself may seem somewhat novel or Shakespearean to us, responds for neurologists, psychiatrists and experts in emotional psychology, to a fact that is a good example of how intricate the emotional fabric of our relationships can be.
Thus, authors such as Frenk van Harreveld, from the department of social psychology at the University of Amsterdam, points out in a study that affective ambivalence determines not only what we feel. It is also this inner complexity that pushes us to behave in certain ways. For example, there are women who experience clear emotional ambivalence during the postpartum period.
They love their newborn baby, but at times, due to the high demand and dependence of the little one, they may experience that chaotic mix of exhaustion, rejection, tenderness and fear that so defines those first months between mother and child. Let's see more facts about it.
"You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to the point of passion that unhinges my soul."
-Julie de Lespinasse
Affective ambivalence: defining characteristicsAffective ambivalence is felt (and suffered or enjoyed) by every human being at some point in his or her life. We know that when we talk about emotions, names such as Daniel Goleman or Paul Eckman come to mind. However, it must be said that this subject has been studied since the beginning of the 20th century.
It was the psychiatrist Eugen Bleuler who in 1911 described affective ambivalence as a "simultaneous presence of two opposite feelings (attraction and repulsion), of two opposite directions of the will, with respect to the same object".
Since then, the field of psychology has been constantly interested in a subject that seems to vertebrate different areas. Moreover, despite the fact that affective ambivalence is so common in our affective relationships, social psychology has also been interested in this area in recent years.
Many of the decisions we make are orchestrated by contradiction (I want to buy this but I can't now, I want that job in that country but I don't dare leave my home here, etc.).
Contradiction generates discomfortAffective or emotional ambivalence generates high discomfort. And if there is something that the human brain does not like, it is contradiction, points that are not aligned.
The energy and the wear and tear produced by this type of dissonance are immense. So much so, that we are often blocked by these feelings where we become aware of the great love or affection we experience for something or someone, but at the same time, we feel certain exhaustion, rejection and even hatred.
We can love someone, but detest their behavior, their attitudes and even the way they treat us. Let us remember our adolescence. That part of our life cycle is a constant contradiction, it is a search for experiences, it is fear, it is anxiety, it is desire, intensity and anguish at the same time. It is not easy to assume this type of internal contradictions, we are all aware of it.
Emotional ambivalence pushes us to decideWe know that affective or emotional ambivalence is synonymous with contradiction. However, there is a positive effect in it and it is that it pushes us to decide, to clarify or even to accept certain situations. The mother going through the complex period of puerperium, gradually assumes and gets used to her new reality.
When we love and hate someone, at the same time we are forced to understand the reality of that feeling. Does love weigh more? Is contradiction something natural in the passion we feel for our partner? Or is it perhaps that hatred is a fact that I must become aware of in order to make a decision?
Dr. Laura Ress, from the University of Michigan, conducted a study in 2013 to show us something interesting. Affective ambivalence promotes self-awareness. That discomfort is something our brain needs to placate and resolve. In fact, it has been shown that this type of contradictions enhance our creativity; they make us look for channels to think, to unburden and to create original answers to solve that contradiction.
To conclude, it is only worth mentioning one small aspect. Whenever we find ourselves in this type of personal labyrinth where we are pursued by the minotaur of emotional contradiction, it is worthwhile to stop, listen and understand. Perhaps there is something we need to resolve or even come to terms with.
Life itself is contradictory and even more so are affections. Loving is not easy and requires a high responsibility, as well as a commitment, first with ourselves and then with others. Let's think about it.
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п»ї<title>The SCORE method to define your objectives</title>
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We have all been faced at some time with dilemmas or difficulties to which we see no way out. It is as if the more we think about them, the less we see solutions. The SCORE method is a tool designed precisely for situations like that. It serves both to visualize possible solutions to problems and to define objectives more clearly.
There is also the case of those decisions that involve a high risk. It is not only the fear of being wrong, but the consequences can be very serious. Even the most self-confident people may hesitate, especially when any of the alternatives involve possible major losses.
The SCORE method is a model that allows you to organize your ideas. First weigh the situation, visualize the alternatives and establish ways out. It is usually applied to professional issues, but it also works perfectly well for personal situations. Let's see what it is all about.
"Language constitutes one of the fundamental building blocks from which we construct our mental models of the world, and it can exert tremendous influence on how we perceive reality and respond to it."
-Robert Dilts
The origin of the SCOR methodLet us first say that the SCORE method was devised by Robert Dilts, an American psychologist and expert in neurolinguistics. In fact, he was one of the pioneers of the so-called Neurolinguistic Programming, along with Richard Bandler and John Grinder.
It is called SCORE method because this last word corresponds to the initials of the actions proposed by the model. In English, the original language, SCORE stands for: Symptom Clause Outcome Resourc Effect. In Spanish, the initials of this acronym have been translated as follows:
S: Present State or Symptom.
C: Cause.
O: Desired State or Objective.
R: Resource.
E: Expected Effect.
The meaning of each elementBefore pointing out how the SCORE method should be applied, let's see in greater detail what each of its components means. It is important, in any case, to point out that it is advisable to carry out the analysis in the proposed order and not in any other way. Let us see what each element is about:
S (Present State or Symptom). This corresponds to the definition of the problem, in terms of its symptoms. For example: I have no way to pay the bills at the end of the month.
C (Cause). It has to do with the OBJECTIVE facts that generate this problem. The ideal is to define the immediate cause (present) and the mediate cause (past). For example: I spent the month's money on other things; I have no order in my accounts.
O (Desired or Objective State). Here you define what you WANT to do, not what you should or would be advisable. For example: I want to have enough money.
R (Resource). Answers the question: what do I have to achieve my goal? It can be something external or internal. For example: I have a car that I can sell to get out of debt. Or: I have an opportunity to ask for a promotion soon.
E (Expected Effect). Answer the questions: What would I get if I achieved my goal? How would it affect me and those around me? For example: I would have to spend more on transportation. Or: I would have less time for my family in a new position.
The application of the SCOREA method sometimes making the reflection on each of the above points is enough to reach the possible resolution of a problem or the definition of a clear objective. On other occasions, even with this analysis, doubts remain. In these cases, an additional step must be taken to correctly apply the SCORE method.
Those who work with this method advise making it very graphic. That is, instead of doing the exercise on a small notebook, it is best to use large pieces of cardboard taped on the wall, one for each letter of SCORE. Neurolinguistic programmers claim that this arrangement of objects helps to broaden the perspective.
You can also apply this model by using cardboard on the floor. Make a sign that says GOAL and stand on it. In front you will have cardboards with each of the letters and you simply take a step and stand on the one you want, each time. In this case you don't have to follow the established order and you can return to each letter as many times as necessary.
The ultimate purpose of the SCORE method is for you to define what you want to do, in a realistic way. When you know what you really want, ideas and proposals flow. Many times we get confused simply because we are not clear about what we want.
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